I'm not sure what to say today. I'm long overdue for a blog. . . I haven't written because I haven’t wanted to be a downer.
We are waiting on some very important news that will have devastating effects on my family financially, if it comes back a certain way. How do I process this? I don't know. I've tried many different tactics to keep myself away from food. I have good moments and bad moments. I'm still exercising, but I'm definitely turning to food for comfort. I'm fighting such an internal battle. When I do give in, I feel like such a failure. Then the spiral downward begins. If I'm a failure I might as well keep going. One morning last week I was lying in bed and was having a hard time finding any motivation to get up. It was 9 o'clock in the morning. Two of my children were already at school and my oldest was waiting for me to start school with her. All I could think about was what I was going to get up and eat. I wasn't thinking of anything healthy either. Fear and depression had gripped me that morning. I just wanted to numb the pain with food. As I was analyzing and speaking with God about it all, I realized that I was, in a way, punishing myself because of our circumstances. We find ourselves back in the same position we've been in many times before over the past 8 years and, once again, I have no control over it. I feel like a failure and worthless. Because I feel this way I punish myself by over eating or eating food that is horrible for me. I feel pain so I cause more. What's that about? I'm not a professional so I have no idea how to battle this. I will just keep fighting, and clawing and scratching to keep my head above water and win this war. I will continue to ask God for wisdom in how to handle the inner workings of myself.
We should have an answer in the next day or two. The anxiety of not knowing is the worst part. Once we know something we will be able to make some decisions and move forward.